When Two Idiots Mess Up Harry Potter Beyond Repair
by Shmitty Werbenmenjensen
Summary: Nicole's a Hogwarts Dropout. Xeden's wand's name is Phill. Lex is just there. Then they meet a mysterious mouse that will change their lives forever... Rated PG-13 for Drug Refrences and mild language...Relax, we only swear twice. :) Fwa! R&R!!
1. The journey

Muaha. Characters. This is how it goes.Looks. Clothes. Personality. Powers. Interests. Age.And if you're lucky, my little note-thingys in between shtuff! Muaha! Shtuff!  
  
- Nicole has black hair, except for the bangs, which are bleached blonde with red tips. Her eyes are stony gray. She wears mostly black with a long black cloak that has a deep blue seam.(that is very visible if you look close enough.that's why I'm mentioning it.) She can be goofy, but can also be serious.when she wants to. Hogwarts kicked her out when they discovered she was a vampire. but she still kept her wand!!:P(You'll never take it from me, losers! Why do they put you fag muffins in charge anyway?) She can still do magic, though, and likes playing with fire! Nicole is very into the dark arts, but that's probably 'cuz she's a distant relative to Lucius Malfoy. (Hug me, Lucius! You have to! We're family!! LoL) Nicole is eighteen years old.(Heh, das how she looks.maybe she's really in her mid twenties.)  
  
- Lex has long blonde hair and blue eyes. (.He's afraid of kryptonite.oh wait.that's Superman.) He wears a long dark crimson cloak with a long sleeved black shirt underneath. He has a mild personality, but sometimes has to be the mediator between Nicole and Xeden's fights. (Don't get me wrong, he gets into fights with Xeden, too.ever since they were kids.It's a long story, so I won't get into it.) Lex doesn't have a wand, but is still a very powerful Wizard.(Muaha, he uses his hands! He has, like, ten wands!!) He basically travels with the group that includes Nicole and Xeden, and like them, shares a liking for darknessness. Lex is twenty-four years old.maybe.  
  
- Xeden has spiky brown hair (NO! Not like Harry Potter's! Harry Potter is a fag muffin!) and crimson eyes. He wears long sleeved fish netting shirt (Wheew! Fish netting!!) and black pants. (Wow.pretty plain compared to the rest of the gang.but he's just so cute! Cute and fuzzy like mashed potatoes.sorry.Ed moment.XD) Xeden gets into fight with everyone, but it's not his fault! He's just so cheerful and lovable, how could you not forgive him? His wand has a mind of its own, (It's name is Phill!) and it's constantly sparking and blowing shit up. Okay. A good thing about Xeden! He can speak hiss! This becomes very useful in Knockturn Alley. (This is because everywhere you turn, a fag muffin hisses at you! Geeze!) Xeden is nineteen years old. (In Smurf years.. Down with the Smurf Empire!)  
  
NOTE! The above crew is known as 'the three idiots.' Muaha. -Shiloh Roder has white hair and icy blue eyes. She wears a long black cloak that hides a tight tee shirt and short shorts; she carries a teddy bear wherever she goes. (Yea!! Teddy!) She's dark and secretive by nature and a born slayer of anyone who annoys her. (Woe is to Shiloh!) Shiloh is an extremely strong Witch, and also does not use a wand. (Muaha. Ten wands! One, two, three.AHHH! I'm missing one!! Oh wait, here it is.) She can speak Parsol tongue. (Let me dumb that down for all you fag muffins out there who don't know what that is.It's SNAKE LANGUAGE.Muaha. Now absorb it into your brains!!! Muaha! Be knowledgeable my young pupils!! .Ahem.) Shiloh is constantly hanging around Knockturn Alley, and making sure no curious underage Wizards get into things they shouldn't. (The pot houses, for instance!! LoL!!) She knows all the regulars in Knockturn alley, and secretly watches the newcomers. Shiloh is eighteen years old.  
  
- Lucius Malfoy. If you don't know he is.you are a fag muffin. Nah.  
  
::::little note thingys are in these::::  
  
And now the story.FWA!  
  
Three shadowy figures walked through the dark alley of darknessness, when.  
  
"Get off my foot!" Xeden hissed.  
  
"It wasn't my fault!" Lex snapped back.  
  
"Shut up!" Nicole yelled. "This is supposed to be secretive!"  
  
They heard footsteps, and both Xeden and Lex covered Nicole's mouth as fast as they could.  
  
"Shut up woman!" Xeden said. "You're being louder than us!"  
  
"I think it's gone," Lex told the both of them.  
  
Nicole bit Xeden's finger.  
  
"OW!" he yelped. He tried to take a swipe at her, but she ducked.  
  
"Nah nah!"  
  
"Will you guys stop!" Lex got in between them. "C'mon, lets go, before someone sees us."  
  
"I'm thirsty, let's go get something to drink," Nicole suggested.  
  
"Okay."  
  
The quarreling idiots walked to the local tavern.in Knockturn Alley of course.  
  
"Umm, what do they have to drink here, other than various poisons?" Nicole cheerfully asked the bartender, who gave her a dirty look and a hiss in return. Nicole turned to Lex. "Did he just hiss at me?" she asked under her breath.  
  
"I think so." he replied.  
  
"Did you just hiss at her?" Xeden asked, poking the bartender's shoulder.  
  
He hissed at Xeden and pushed him away.  
  
"He says 'yes,'" Xeden confirmed.  
  
"Well, don't you have normal beer or something?" Nicole asked hopefully.  
  
The bartender hissed again, except in a kind of angry-like way.  
  
"He says 'yes, but you're not of legal drinking age,'" Xeden translated.  
  
"What do you mean? Everything else is illegal here!" Nicole rolled her eyes.  
  
The man shrugged and hissed again.  
  
"He says 'true,'" Xeden helped.  
  
"Well can I have a beer?" Nicole asked, beginning to get frustrated.  
  
The man hissed once more.  
  
"He says 'sure, I'll go back and get one,'" Xeden said, as the man went into the back.  
  
Xeden started to spin around on his barstool, when the bartender came back. He hissed angrily at Xeden, who stopped spinning instantly.  
  
"Oh.um.sorry." He looked to the others and whispered, "He said we're not allowed to spin on the barstools - what kind of bar is this!?" ::::Ha ha::::  
  
The bartender handed Nicole her drink and she took a sip. She made a sour face and looked at the hissing man.who gave her another dirty look.  
  
"Um.yummy." Nicole forced out. She looked to the others. "I think we should leave." she suggested, pouring the concoction into a nearby plant that began to instantly hiss and dissolve.  
  
Xeden looked up from the rat he was playing with on the counter.  
  
"Where'd you get that thing?" Lex asked.  
  
"I dunno.He was hungry," Xeden explained. "I fed him crackers," he told them proudly.  
  
They both fell over Anime style.  
  
"What?" Xeden asked innocently.  
  
"Never mind." Nicole sighed, getting back on the barstool.  
  
A man sat down next to Nicole.  
  
"Lucius!" she screeched.  
  
"Oh God it's you," he said, putting his hand to his head.  
  
She pulled him into a tight hug.  
  
"Can you not touch me?" he said, trying to get loose. "Okay, can't breathe!"  
  
"Oops.sorry." She looked over Lucius's shoulder. "Oh, hi Draco!" She let go of Lucius, letting him breathe.for now  
  
"Umm, hi," he said uncertainly.  
  
"Nicole, you know these guys?" Lex asked.  
  
"Well what do you think? I just go around and randomly hug strangers? Well actually.I would do that, wouldn't I?" She grinned stupidly.  
  
Draco raised his eyes and wondered to himself HOW he was related to Nicole. He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Shiloh.  
  
She looked at Lucius.  
  
"Who is this?" she asked, eyeing the three idiots. "Are they bothering you?"  
  
"No, this is just my.distant relative and her.friends." Lucius sighed.  
  
::::Fwa! I am his sister's brother's father's aunt's uncle's mother's sister's daughter.three times removed!!::::  
  
"Alright.sure," she said.  
  
The bartender hissed to get their attention.  
  
"He wonders if we're interested in making some cash," Xeden said.  
  
"Ohhhh!" Nicole said excitedly.  
  
"Hell yeah," Lex piped in.  
  
The man made a long hissing speech.  
  
"Wow."Xeden said to the man. "You want us to do THAT?"  
  
"What'd he say, what'd he say, what'd he say?" Nicole asked, jumping up and down.  
  
"Whoa.you need riddlin and a leash." Shiloh said to Nicole in amazement.  
  
Nicole quickly stuck her tongue out at Shiloh and then her attention went back to the hissing man and Xeden.  
  
"He wants us to bust a crack house around here," Xeden told them.  
  
"Yes! Free crack!" Nicole said excitedly.  
  
"Don't you have enough of that in your system already?" Lex asked.  
  
"NO! There's always room for more!" Nicole crossed her arms. "BESIDES! Drugs only kill the BAD brain cells!" She thought for a moment. "And I don't even HAVE crack in my system now!"  
  
"Yet," Xeden said, playing with his little rat friend.  
  
"That thing probably has rabies! Look at how its mouth is foaming!" Lex shook his head as Xeden got closer to the rat to see the foam.  
  
"Ohh, I think it's whipped cream," Xeden told them. "He was hungry! See!" He held it up to Lex's face.  
  
"AH! Get that thing away from me!" Lex yelled.  
  
"Awww, you hurt its feelings," Xeden said as the discombobulated rat hissed at Lex.  
  
"Xeden, put the sewer skunk down," Nicole told him.  
  
"I don't wanna!" Xeden protested. He put the mutated creature in his pocket. "I will call him Phill!"  
  
"Your wand's name is Phill!" Nicole pointed out.  
  
"So?" Xeden asked, taking the wand out and looking at it for a moment.  
  
Everyone instinctually hit the dirt, in fear that Xeden might have another 'accident.'  
  
"Xeden! Put Phill away!" Nicole said gently.  
  
"Which Phill?" Xeden asked, looking at both the rat and the wand.  
  
"The wand!" Lex urged. "Put the wand away, Xeden!"  
  
"You mean this wand?" Xeden held the rat up questioningly.  
  
"No.the OTHER wand," Nicole instructed.  
  
"Oh, this one?" Xeden jerked up the wand, making a hole in the roof. He looked up innocently. "Um.oops."  
  
"PUT IT AWAY!" Lucius yelled.  
  
"Okay! Okay!" Xeden shoved the wand into his pocket. "Why are you yelling at me!? What did I do?"  
  
Nicole stood and pointed at the ceiling. "THAT!" She told him.  
  
"That was Phill's fault," he looked down at the rat. "You naughty rat you."  
  
The rat looked up innocently and hissed.  
  
"He says 'What did I do?'" Xeden told them all.  
  
"Will you tell us about the rest of the job already?" Lex suggested.  
  
The hissing man went into another long hissing speech.  
  
"Oh, okay," Xeden said. "He wants us to go to the crack house and put them out of business.steal the crack er something."  
  
"Okay! Let's go!" Nicole jumped up from her seat. "C'mon guys!"  
  
The hissing man handed Xeden a piece of paper and hissed.  
  
"Oh, okay. Thanks." Xeden said, looking down at the paper.  
  
"What's that?" Lex asked.  
  
"A map." He showed him the paper. "That's the crack house.see the little weed symbol?"  
  
"Ohhh yeah.clever." Nicole mused.  
  
The three idiots left the bar, and walked down the dark alley of darknessness. They came to a boarded up shop.  
  
"Hey, this must be it," Xeden said.  
  
"Well how do we get in?" Lex asked.  
  
"The cracks aren't big enough for us to fit through.Phill will have to do it!" Nicole put her hand to her head as Xeden took Phill the rat out of his pocket. "You know what to do Phill!"  
  
"No he doesn't!" Nicole objected.  
  
"Don't worry, Phill's a smart rat!" He looked back to Phill. "Okay, Phill, I want you to go into the crack house over there, and bring us out the crack! Okay?"  
  
The dimented animal nodded furiously and hissed.  
  
"I knew I could count on you, Phill! I believe in you! Don't let us down!" He put rat down and it scurried through a crack in the wall.  
  
Nicole looked to Xeden. "You realize we'll never see him again, don't you?"  
  
"Be a bit more confident in Phill!" Xeden defended.  
  
"You realize that that creature's brain is the size of a pea.if that." Lex pointed out.  
  
"Hey.I could've sworn there was a bulge in his head." Xeden said quietly.  
  
"And besides, the last time you told me to trust Phill the wand, I almost ended up headless." Nicole leaned against the wall.  
  
"Hey that was a long time ago!" He petted the wand inside of his pocket. "He's learned more since then."  
  
"That was last week!" Nicole almost shouted.  
  
".So.?" Xeden said meekly.  
  
TWO HOURS LATER  
  
"I don't think he's coming back, Xeden," Nicole told him.  
  
"Hey guys!" Lex shouted from the side of the building. "The side door's been open the whole time!"  
  
They all stepped into the building. The floor was faintly dusted with traces of white powder.  
  
Nicole bent over and saw little footprints in the powder. "I smell a rat."  
  
"Oh, nonsense, that's probably just Phi-" Xeden paused and his eyes widened. "Noooo! Where's Phill?!?" Xeden cried.  
  
"Your stupid rat betrayed us." Lex snapped.  
  
"No! Not Phill! Phill would never do that!"  
  
CUT TO GRINGOTTS BANK  
  
In a newly opened safe, Phill the discombobulated sewer skunk danced happily in his fields of crack.  
  
~FIN!! 


	2. A Day In The Life: Mr Hiss's Daily Diary

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE HISSING MAN (Translated by Xeden)  
  
Hiss Hisssss, Dear diary, Hisssssssssssssssssss. Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Hissssssssssssss hisssss hissss. Today went okay.I woke up and went to work. I met three strange idiots. Hisssssss hiss hissssssss hisss hiss. Hissss hisssssss hisss hisssssssss hissssssss hissssss. Luckily, one spoke fluent hiss. I did not like the girl.so I tried to poison her. Hisssssssss hissssssssssss hiss hisssssss hishis hissssss hisssssss. Sadly, she poured the poison on my plant and it died. Hisssssssss hisssssssssssssssss hisss hisss hissss hiss. Hissssssssss hiss hiss hisssssss hissssssssss. Then I decided to give them an assignment. I told them to go to the crack house. Hissssssss hisss hissssss hissss.Hisss hiss hissss. Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I haven't seen them since.And I'm glad. I hate them.  
Hissssssssssssss.  
Me.the hissing man. 


	3. Phil's Song: The Beginning of Phill

PHILL'S SONG: HOW PHILL CAME TO BE.  
  
Once, Phill (AKA Brian) was a major league football player.but he suffered from cancer and constantly drank purple koolaid that secretly had rat poisoning and nuclear waste in it. Well, needless to say, he turned into a rat.(Heh, what irony.) Everyone thought he died of cancer, though they could never find his body.(Yeah, they thought it got eaten up by the cancer!) America mourned the loss of Brian Piccolo, who had now come to be called Phill. They made movies and movies about him, wrote books, and he even had a few children stories.which bored the living hell out of eighth graders in their reading classes everywhere. Phill wandered the alleys of Knockturn alley, until he was found by Xeden. He was rather an idiot, and fed Phill crackers. The only good thing Phill liked about Xeden, was that he led him straight to his destiny.the crack house, and let him right in. Stuuuupid. Today, Phill lives happily on top of his mountains of crack, that seem to last forever.  
  
~*~But remember, kiddies! Don't do drugs! Don't end up like Phill.~*~ 


End file.
